What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 02:30
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it wasn’t much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was in good health!
I couldn’t, believe it.
We all went to grammer schools
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And i lived it daily.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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What did i know ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Do handsome guys intimidate women or people in general?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is soul school!.
Did you become a cuckold for your wife?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot live in the past .
Why is Tiananmen Square censored?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Put me off passion for life!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So whats the point in blame.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im still living with it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Comes on , in middle age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I could never make a relationship work though!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He knew the spot.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She wouldn,t have been !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She loved him until the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I don,t even have a pension.
Ive learnt so much.
We were not on the streets..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My life is so biszare .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I write beautiful poetry .
(And it was in our own minds.)
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I will be 64.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was 9 years of age.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But, we were locked up after school.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I think the readers, may guess!